“It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside…” – Elton John
Firstly, I need to apologize to you for my absence. Here’s my excuse, its long winded and frankly a load of bullshit – to put it simply I lost control.
I’ve spend the past month wallowing in self-pity, depression, whilst my mind has closed itself off to learning, thought and growth. During this period of complete personal apathy for myself, many of you reached out to me, and I would like to use this as a platform to extend my thanks for bearing with me.
Now I’ve got that out the way, normal service needs to be resumed, and what better way to do that than to tell you about what I’ve learned in the past few weeks.
The idea behind this blog in particular is to explore what happens to a (well, this…) man’s thoughts and emotions during a breakup, in the hopes that if you ever find yourself in that situation, you may find some understanding here.
Reflection’s on a Breakup
I will avoid going into specifics but here’s the short story. I and my fiance came to the mutual conclusion that our relationship simply was not working, we had grown apart and sometimes, these things happen. It’s OK.
…At least I thought when I suggested we split up, that it was a good idea.
And it was a good idea. It IS a good idea. It has just taken me a month to process and accept that.
I have felt a variety of emotions which I wrote down at the time, to try and make sense of here are my thoughts:
Despair – I felt this pretty much every day. Is it manly to admit that I despaired over the relationship I lost? I’m pretty sure it is, because when a relationship that has been your entire life for a long time ends if you tell me you don’t feel despair, I’m calling you a liar. This is OKAY – its part of the process. The key with despair (and here is my first mistake) – don’t let it overwhelm you. Focus on the positives as well as the negatives. Yes, it’s sad that the future is different, but what a great opportunity to embrace.
Regret – I’m a guy who has preached about having no regrets for a long time, yet there I was, feeling this unfamiliar emotion. Guess what? Its fine to spend a little time thinking this sucks, because yes, it really sucks – but also guess what else… you can’t do that forever. Relationships take two people, you can take as much ownership as you want to but if both parties don’t give it their all, it’s going to fail.
Anger – Who exactly are we angry at when a relationship breaks down? Everyone? No one? We’re angry because we lost something we loved, something that was precious to us. Anger only serves a s a gateway to realizing and focusing on the bad. With a clenched jaw I can sit here and say “think of all the money I wasted on this…” or, with a relaxed one I can say “think of all the amazing times I had”. I know which one helped me sleep better at night.
Anxiety – One last feeling that is worth exploring is anxiety. Let me make this simple – you are not unworthy, you are not the only person who has faced a future alone, you are not the first person to have loved and lost. The future is unwritten, go out and write it.
Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect when I sat down to write this, the topic is so huge that it was difficult to create this in blog format. So what is the big takeaway?
If I can have a month off, so can you.
It’s acceptable to have a little blowout, spend some time being selfish and getting over the loss. A relationship ending is much the same as losing a loved one to death. It can feel unfair, you can feel out of control and you mourn the loss of that person.
To make this as simple as possible – It will get better, and it helps if you hold onto the good, and let go of the bad.